Not Ready - May 6, 2019

5 years ago I was nearing the end of my pregnancy. We had planned, prepped, prayed and we were SO READY to meet you.... but then they put all 8lbs 12oz of you in my arms and I quickly started to realize just how much I really wasn’t ready for.

The exhaustion: the long sleepless nights, the even longer days, the postpartum recovery, the nursing hurdles, putting every single physical need of mine last to make sure all your’s were met first... •I wasn’t ready for that endless fatigue. 😴

The anxiety: is he sick or is it just teeth? an ear infection or a common cold? Is he sleeping enough? eating enough? learning enough? •I wasn’t ready for the overwhelming worry.

The pressure: am I too strict? too lenient? are you overstimulated? Understimulated? Do I hold you too much? Not enough?

•I wasn’t ready for the constant pressure of always wondering if I was doing a good job.😰 The LOVE: the unconditional love for you, the new love seeing my husband as a daddy, a greater love for my own parents now understanding just how pure the love of a mother and father is...

•I wasn’t ready for a love so deep it hurt. 💙 The GRACE: the grace I’d learn to show you during the toughest of tantrums and strongest of battles, the grace you would show me through the many mistakes I made as a new mom..still loving me anyway, the grace we needed as husband and wife as we navigated our new roles as parents..

•Mostly, I wasn’t ready for the grace I would have to learn to show myself.... knowing that even when I felt like I had failed repeatedly, tomorrow would be a new day and the good Lord would still pick ME to be your momma. 🙌🏼 Next week you’ll graduate from preschool and in just a few months you’ll march through doors of “big” school as a Kindergartner... and this momma is sooo NOT 👏🏼 READY 👏🏼

You’ll spend most of your waking hours under the care and supervision of someone else. The next 13 years will be spent longing for holidays, summers and family vacations. Nights will soon be full of homework and chores until bedtime. We’ll be living for the weekends that all too soon will become days you’ll want to spend goofing off with friends learning how to live and love without a care in the world ((all while I’m back at home on my hands and knees praying prayers of protection.)) 🙏🏼🙏🏼

Then, before I know it, you’ll put on another cap and gown, walk across an even bigger stage and spread your wings to fly. 👨🏼‍🎓

Yes yes yes, I know what they say...you’ll come back home and you’ll always be my baby boy, but there’s no doubt it will be different and the bottom line is I’m just NOT READY to let go. 😢 I’d love nothing more than to bubble wrap you and keep you at home forever at this precious age when our worries are trivial and you still run up to hug me just because.... but...

My precious son YOU couldn’t be more READY! 📚 What a disservice it would be to not share your gifts and talents with this world. Your bright mind is destined for greatness and your beautiful soul will make its mark on all those who are lucky enough to cross your path. I may not be ready for all of the inevitable change, but I can promise you this.. when you bring home your first bad grade, get in your first tiff with your best friend, experience your first heartbreak, ding up your first car, and suffer the consequences of your first bad decisions...

I’ll be right here waiting...and I’ll be READY to love you through it. 💙