Not My Plan

It's hard to believe that it's been almost two months since I first published my blog. I had every intention of sharing something new weeks ago but the holiday hustle atop this hectic season of life just about guarantees that my time passes in an instant. Over the past year as I've entertained the idea of starting a blog I always envisioned this to be a rather light-hearted place. A collective space to save a few sweet everyday moments that we never want to forget. My first post was quite the opposite though. It was heavy. It was hard. It was absolutely NOTHING like anything I had ever intended to share. It wasn't my plan.

This last week I've really enjoyed scrolling through my media feeds, reading personal reflections of the past decade and learning everyone's upcoming plans for their next trip around the sun. I'm a Type A personality, an Enneagram Type One, so to say I love a good plan is an understatement. I take particular liking to a well executed, controlled by yours truly, without any derailments kind of plan. I feel like I'm really thriving when things go accordingly. So as I reflect on how this past decade unfolded for me, I can't help but shake my head a little and smile. There were twists, turns, highs, lows, brief moments of heartache and far greater moments of joy. Some things came out of left field and other things didn't exactly match my ideal timeline. If I've learned one thing from the last ten years it's simply that my plans were no match for His.

The 2010's highlight reel looks a little something like this:

2010 - I'm entering my senior year at Ole Miss, on track to graduate with honors, excitedly applying to graduate schools and ready to pursue my master's degree to become a SLP. All of my plans seem to be playing out beautifully and I can finally see the light.

2011 - Personal reasons led me to accept a position in a different graduate program than originally intended. I wouldn't become a speech therapist but I would still be working with children who have listening and spoken language disorders. Still seemed like a good plan, so I thought. Turns out - it actually wasn't for me. Quite a hiccup no doubt but I switched gears as quickly as possible and pressed forward. Fortunately my high school sweetheart finally decided to pop the question so I was blissfully distracted while sorting out my career path mess. The silver lining was in meeting some of the most amazing women while pursing those degrees. Strangers turned best friends. Some stood next to me at my wedding. Some currently share the same season of motherhood with me. For years I wondered if my higher education choices were a mistake, but I feel certain now that I was exactly where I was meant to be for He could see everything I couldn't.

2012 - Eight years in the making and we are finally getting married! It's a magical season! Everything I've dreamed of since I was a little girl. I'm in the thick of planning my wedding and boom - curve ball #2 .... my parents begin sorting through their divorce. Divorce. NO ONE plans for divorce. Especially after four kids and twenty-three years of marriage. That one was tough on a lot of people. Despite the heartbreak, beauty eventually surfaced from the brokenness. Happiness found each of my parents again and we kids gained some pretty awesome bonus parents in the mix.

2013 - I'm ready to make my way back to a career working with children so I quit my corporate job and dive in to an alternate route teaching certification program. Three weeks in to the program and curve ball #3 rolls in when I find out I'm pregnant! We live in a tiny apartment and I'm currently unemployed but we are thrilled nevertheless! My sister-in-law was getting married the next week so we decide to just wait and share the news with family after their reception. We never got to share that news though. Wedding day rolled around and despite a positive blood test the day before, I knew I was miscarrying. Our curve ball threw us a curve ball.

We bought a house that summer and I started my job as a sixth grade teacher. Puzzle pieces started fitting together again nicely and five months after initially unpacking the roller coaster of trying to conceive, we finally find out we are expecting our sweet baby Thomas.

2014 - We bring home our first baby that summer, I pack up my classroom and transition to full-time mom. I somehow learn to function on a total of three hours of sleep a day.

2015 - It must have been the sleep deprivation talking because for some crazy reason we decided that it was time to give our little seven month old a sibling. Instead of decorating a second nursery that summer, I end up losing two more early pregnancies back-to-back.

2016 - Miscarriages, failed fertility treatments and almost a year and a half of trying to grow our family had passed. Time felt stagnant and my heart was stuck between overwhelming gratitude for the miracle in my arms and a longing for the missing pieces. Right when I start to think maybe another baby just really wasn't in the cards for us, the good Lord sends news that our sweet Sawyer is on the way.

2017 - We bring home our baby girl and the transition to a family of four is seamless. Life felt too good to be true. 2017 was a dream and my failed plans to have my babies closer in age actually unfolded as treasured years that I was able to invest myself fully as a mother to just Thomas.

2018 - SURPRISE! Here comes my most favorite curve ball of all! Our precious Rowan. There was never doubt we wanted more babies but I had fallen in love with that almost three year age gap between the first two. Nineteen months apart for the second two babies was just realllllyyyy not my plan. Thank goodness I'm not the one running this show though!

2019 - We survived building a home, selling a home, moving with three small children, keeping the houses standing and all the tiny humans alive. A beautiful blur of a year but I'm calling it a win!

There you have it. What a decade! I've never been so thankful for kinks in my plans. Those ten years brought hope and healing while nurturing faith and growth. I look back and my heart bursts with gratitude for the ways His plans for me were far greater than my own.

Fresh perspective rises with the turning of a new year and big plans usually start brewing but for first time in my life, I'm not making plans. Anxiety tends to accompany my plans. I make plans and then I worry about seeing them through. I stress over the what-ifs and what-nexts. To quote my dear husband I "borrow trouble" far too often. So I'm walking in to 2020 without a plan. I don't know what this next decade has in store for us and I certainly pray the next ten years are as beautifully blessed as the last. My anxious mind wants to cling to uncertainty and continually linger on the multitude of ways my life could be turned upside down but I know who goes before me.

So my new year's resolution is to fully rest in the hope of Jesus. He gave me everything I need and more than I deserved before I even took my first breath. He's told me not to be anxious {Philippians 4:6-7}, He's told me to just BE STILL {Psalm 46:10} and He's told me that HIS plans for my future are GOOD {Jeremiah 29:11}. So my plan for this next decade is to simply watch His works unfold. The purpose of this life surely isn't to worry over plans but to glorify Him in everything. My life was never really my plan anyway, it has ALWAYS been HIS.

Happy New Year, friends! You may have eaten your fill of black eyed peas and cabbage, shared a special kiss at midnight or even vowed to make a few lifestyle changes. Regardless of how you rang in the new year, I pray you know that one thing remains the same year to year. His love for you never fails. He's still good and so are His plans for you.

{One Year Milestone photographs of the best thing I never planned by my precious and beautifully talented friend: Amanda Coleman Photography}