Today Is My Favorite Day

“Today is my favorite day

God made it in a special way

I like tomorrow and yesterday

But today is my favorite day!”

This sweet tune can be heard echoing through the halls of our preschool each morning. It’s been said before that everything we need to know we learned in preschool. The older I get, the more I realize that to be true. I guess that’s what they call wisdom.

For the first three quarters of my life I remember always waiting for the next big thing. I couldn’t wait to get out of high school. Couldn’t wait to finish my degree. Couldn’t wait to get married, buy a house, have babies. Not realizing it but still carelessly wishing time away.

For most of this last quarter of my life it was quite the opposite. I found myself almost begging for time to just pump the brakes a little. A quick scroll of my social media feed and one click of my #babiesdontkeep tag is proof that I would grieve the loss of a moment before it was even gone.

Then October 26, 2019 happened. I woke up teary eyed because my baby had officially graduated to toddlerhood, but then I cried myself to sleep that night because that opportunity for those bitter sweet first birthday feels had just been taken from another precious momma and it all felt so unfair.

So I cried. For over two solid weeks tears fell from my puffy, guilt-ridden, undeserving eyes for almost all of my waking hours. I cried until I made myself physically ill. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I could barely look at my children without bursting into hysterics because I felt so much guilt for being able to experience the joy of their physical presence. My sweet husband and momma did their best to comfort me but I just couldn’t get it together.

I was grieving and it was a first for me. I don’t consider myself a naive person. I know bad things happen to good people. I know tragedy strikes daily. My life hasn’t been without its own hardships and challenges but I also have always enjoyed my personal bubble that makes me feel safe and secure. A bubble that has made it over 30 years without being popped by the immense pain and suffering of our physical world.

A baby I had never met. Parents that I had only exchanged pleasantries with at birthday parties. Complete strangers, yet I was completely grief stricken.

I don’t know why the Lord chose to use this moment... that baby... their family...

Maybe it’s because they are part of our community.

Maybe it’s because of this season of life I’m in.

Maybe it’s because I was so sure they’d see complete physical healing this time.

Maybe it’s because my prayers, their prayers, weren’t answered how we hoped.

For whatever reason, He used their story to completely shatter me - to become so broken for the first time that absolutely no one, not even the people I hold the most dear, could heal my heart. He used them so that I could seek Him fully and completely in order to truly grasp that His goodness goes far beyond our days spent on this side of Heaven.

Growing up when I would listen to fellow Christians share their testimonies I would struggle to understand the whys and hows of their timing or situations. After all, I was born into a Christian family. I knew of His word and promises. I could see His goodness all around me. I always assumed my testimony would just be simple. I knew Him, loved Him and did my best to bring up my children in the same manner.

When my heart shattered beyond recognition for this fellow momma and sister-in-Christ, I went searching for answers in all the wrong places. I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that I was grieving so deeply for people I barely knew. So when I finally pulled myself back together enough to catch my breath, I just started writing. He used this family to inspire my first blog post. For a few years I had pushed back at folks that had made such a suggestion to me. I have never had a desire to be an influencer of any sort, so why would I want to blog? But my heart was heavy and putting it to words was therapeutic. So I created this blog for myself and with permission from them I nervously shared what I wrote. Despite being utterly terrified to open each message that filled my inbox, I felt a huge weight lifted. So many of you told me that you were struggling with this too but couldn’t articulate it. That you felt all those same emotions of guilt, grief and asking the hard questions like.. why God?!

I’ve never felt worthy enough to share my faith for I have so much to learn still and never thought I even had a testimony to tell.

This precious family probably thinks I am absolutely bananas. This total stranger that has written about them and thinks about them daily (I mean, I can’t say I’d blame them.)

But He used them.

He used them to shift my focus.

He used them to share my brokenness.

He used them to grow my faith. He used them to teach me more so that I may teach my babies better.

I made a promise to myself a year ago, that I would never again shed a single tear of sadness because my babies are growing older. I promised to not allow myself to miss the babies that were standing right in front of me. I certainly cherish this season of having littles, and I’ll always wish that time didn’t pass so quickly but the days of me wishing they wouldn’t grow older have passed. What a gift it is to watch them grow, for yesterday is already gone and tomorrow may never come.

Today is October 26th, 2020.

Today is my Rowan’s second birthday.

Today is the first anniversary of a beautiful angel getting her wings.

Both precious children of God who are fully known and loved today and for all of eternity.

Today is October 26th, 2020

...and while I like tomorrow and yesterday too...

TODAY, this day that I’m living right now, is my favorite day.